One Out of Ten

This essay is written by Jessica of True Colors mentoring program. 

Envision yourself walking down the hallway with your significant other. People brush it off and barely even notice. You walk them to class and give them a kiss goodbye. Now imagine that your significant other being the same sex as you. The act of holding hands gets you a barrage of stares as if you were contaminated. Giving that simple kiss might get you some un-needed comments. You hear the voices buzzing like mosquitoes in your brain saying, “dyke” or “faggot”. They burn your ears. YOU wonder to yourself, “Why are they acting like this? What’s wrong with me?” In a sea of people you feel like a lone buoy. If being gay is such a beautiful thing, why are people treating us like we are aliens? When old friends act differently towards you. The warm embrace of a welcoming hug turns cold and empty. When you go into the locker room to change, the stares rush right back, the whispering gets louder; your ears burn even more. You see people scurrying to hide in fear that you might look at them in a sexual manner. You really start to think you’re diseased, but the only disease around is pure ignorance.

Our world is an interesting place. Just like snowflakes, no two people are alike. We vary from the young to the old, the big to the small. Some of us are black, some are Asian, Latino, or white; and some of us, identify with an alternative sexual preference other that heterosexual. Many of us are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, pansexual, asexual, intersexual, or questioning. Whether you identify with any of the said above or not, you know that being different can be a very difficult thing to go through. In my eyes, being “out” in high school has been a very difficult experience not only for me, but for many others as well. It’s something that we have to deal with daily. In this essay, I hope to take you into the life of an LGBT teen in high school.

You walk out of your homeroom the next day to be greeted with a body check into a locker with a warming comment of, “Get out of the way faggot!” As you shrug it off and walk down to your class, your ears tingle at the sound of laughter. Your heart drops to your stomach. You turn around to see a group of people laughing and pointing at you. A few periods pass; you think the worst is over. You go to see the main person who makes you feel safe. You kiss them and say, “See you later.” Suddenly, a disgruntled guy yelling in your face and pinning you up against a locker greets you. “Better watch your back dyke!” The one place where you should feel safe no matter what, where faculty and friends roam daily, feels like a war zone. You become paranoid, watching your back, making sure there’s no one around the corner to jump you.

If it wasn’t hard enough, one big question you ask yourself all the time is, “What am I?” It’s hard enough to bust down your closet door, but identifying with a sexual orientation is brutal. “What if I’m not gay?” Maybe I am bisexual” or “I don’t feel like a girl. I feel like I identify more with a guy.” One day will come, you’ll find your place and things will be clear, but the road there is one hell of a ride. On the way down that path, it’s a deserted road. You don’t feel like there’s anyone to talk to. When you think you find someone to talk to, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

To have all the waves of emotions crash over you, things become too overwhelming. You feel like you’re drowning. You feel like there’s no way out. Did you know that LGBT teens are two to six times more likely to commit suicide? Just because of the way they’re treated by their peers and or families, feeling ashamed, and not knowing how to deal with their new-found sexuality. Out of the approximate 500,000 teen suicides each year, LGBT teens make up 30% of that number. LGBT teens are also more likely to develop problems with drugs and or alcohol. 75% of LGBT teens in schools across America have reported that they have heard derogatory comments such as “dyke” or ”queer” frequently throughout their school. LGBT teens have a higher drop out rate as well. All of these shocking statistics come from national surveys filled out by real teenagers just like me and you. Why do we treat each other like this? It 2008 not 1958.

Not everyone is always going to get along with each other, but I think we should at least try to live in an environment where we understand each other and are tolerant of the way we are. Why create more hate in this world than there already is? All I really have to say is this; “We’re here, we’re queer, grow the fuck up, and get use to it.

QWB note: Jessica is a mentee at True Colors and on her way to becoming a leader/speaker at True Colors. Thanks Jessica for keeping the movement moving on. Thanks to Kamora of True Colors Mentoring Program and to Jessica for sharing this essay with our QWB readers.

 True Colors works toward creating a world where youth, adults and families of all sexual orientations and gender identities are valued and affirmed. We challenge all forms of oppression through education, training, advocacy, youth leadership development, mentoring and direct services to youth and those responsible for their well-being. We can be reached at 888-565-5551, or on the web at www.ourTrueColors.org