Leaving the Family Pride: Are we there yet?

One Opinion of Coming Out & Pride After Living “Straight”

by Kyle S. Smith ed: submitted to qwb for posting…

Coming out stories are regularly seasoned with tales of fear, joy, acceptance, pain, ups and downs, and so on. Mine is no different and I’m glad. I’m also glad that today there are finally more forums, like this one, for discussion and open dialogue about what it means to be a homosexual while still being thought of as more than just our sexuality.

As I look over at my right wrist, I see a rainbow colored rubber wrist band. The word “PRIDE” is in capital letters for anyone to see and notice. The only time I’ve removed in the past year-plus has been to shower. To me, that’s part of what Pride means: 24-7, period. So I’m out, proud, and participating in the gay rights movement. But, what does it mean to be proud?

When I came along back in nineteen-sixty-something the very idea of being a gay man was just so far beyond the don’t-ask-don’t-tell of today. If you were gay you were either in the closet under lock and key, or so out that you were a stereotype and usually ready prey. There was no stealth-gay, queer voice, mainstream gays, or LGBT self-acceptance. Yet again arises the question, “What does self-acceptance mean now?”
In addressing these two questions the LGBT community has to accept that the most fundamental stumbling block - at least in the United States - is that we are not just trying to overcome stereotyping and glass ceilings. Pride about being homosexuals just plain doesn’t fit or make sense here. Despite progress, rights movements, and law suits the American mindset is that human sexuality is something people DO, not something people ARE. Human sexuality, encompassing all norms and variations, looks at the what and where instead of who. I am not saying that is a healthy or right mindset. Instead, it is my observation that until the collective we can accept that, or change their mind about it, I believe that the idea of gay Pride or being out will continue to be in flagrant and devisive debate in both the GLBT and straight communities. Non-acceptance, no exceptions. We need to make more effort to sort out the showy human sexuality piece and show more how GLBT persons have contributed to culture, history, philosophy, religion, art, etc. Avoiding this reality will continue to render the good fight moot.

Lots of people are okay with that. Some like the drama of being different and even shock-value. Some enjoy having an anti-mainstream niche or bandwagon to climb on. Still others, on both sides of the street, are so threatened by what they do not understand or feel is the norm that they will rile against any attempts of normalizing what doesn’t fit for them. Add to this the idea that because we are talking about something with the word sex attached to it, the majority mindset automatically goes to the bedroom, privacy/secrecy, even shame.

Shame from pride? What the…? Sorry, but when you answer that question about where you’re going, you have to look at where you came from.

Most essentially, Pride here means feeling good about belonging to a group of people even though that group is not in the majority or norm. It is a healthy attempt to cancel out feeling negative or self-deprecating because you aren’t in that norm. Abraham Lincoln defined tact as “describing others the way they see themselves.” Along that line, Pride can be said to be describing yourself the way others should see you. Letting go of looking at yourself through the eyes of how the most important people in your life see you - little room for tact there.
Drama?!?! You bet. I hate using the word aftermath, but it applies. Fortunately for me my story thus far does not include any family members isolating from me, slamming doors in my face. However, this queer didn’t just come out, he fell out and busted the closet door off its hinges. It wasn’t a thought out process or plan and I certainly did NOT generate a fan club!

My tactless drama is: living in the closet, cowering in fear, denying when questioned, dating women, getting married, having three children, working full-time, parent/teacher conferences, mini-van. condo in the ‘burbs, dog, the white picket fence, and straight-divorce after 14 years of straight-marriage. Yet even this story is not unique. However, it has taught me a lot about what pride and self-acceptance mean. Not just for me, but also for the others in my life. I can talk about Gay Pride all I want and join every movement and support goup I can find.

However, my coming out doesn’t mean my family is out or needs to be.

The journey of healthy pride and self-acceptance is not exclusive to the GLBT or other hyphenated Americans. It is the human journey. My bringing light to parts of myself others choose to hide is a mutual journey, but not always a side-by-side experience… and that’s okay! Which family do I belong to? Both the GLBT community (often refered to in gayspeak as “Family”) and my family of origin. Together we’ll all continue to come out and make this journey. In that, we can take Pride.